there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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