She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
