i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
