the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
