just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
