i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
