The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
My ATM looks so different sober.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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