he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
