I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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