just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
