i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
