oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
