I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize