I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Randomize
