Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
