I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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