a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
