So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
