Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
