ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
