shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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