so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
