remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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