She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
