my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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