hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
