Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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