No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
