Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
