Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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