dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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