Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You're like the curious george of whores
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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