my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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