omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
