Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
