I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
