he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
