i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
