Pregnant stripper...not hot.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
