I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize