You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
