this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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