Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
