i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
