Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
