and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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