I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
