Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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