:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
