I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
