Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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