first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
