Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize