dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
