I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
