i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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