like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
