I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Randomize
