I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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