the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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