So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
