A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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