so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
This house was built for laser tag.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
