Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
